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Think about the process of what a girl goes through on the road to becoming a mail order bride and you will realize that very few truly submissive wallflowers are going to have the guts to go down that path.

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DAY 2: VAMPIRESUNDAY I set up an Ok Cupid profile under the name “vampiresunday.” (It’s a play on the band Vampire Weekend, which I hope will appeal to indie rockers who own yachts.) I fill out endless questionnaires, telling the algorithm I’m a neurotic writer with thick thighs, ADD and a degree in cinema studies. ” Many others ask for my favourite taco restaurants and acclaimed cable TV shows.

According to Ok Cupid, I am “More Independent,” “Less Love-Driven” and “Less Conventionally Moral” than the average user. I exchange messages with an arborist who calls himself “eating_almonds.” On his profile he admits to shoplifting Bioré pore strips, which I find oddly attractive.

create more energy around your sexual chakra.” I go to Patrusha Sarakula’s cozy house for a chakra realignment—or something.

I’m worried I come across like the creepy dog voyeur I am. ” asks a handsome guy, as I reach down to shake paws with his black lab, Rupert. DAY 7: INITIATE, INITIATE, INITIATE I read, a forthcoming book by psychologist Shannon Kolakowski.DAY 8: QUICK AND DIRTY I dress in my best Zooey Deschanel outfit for a speed-dating event put on by a company called Fast Life that promises I have a 90-percent chance of getting at least one match.The venue is a lounge with white couches, mirrored walls and approximately 30 chandeliers.I chug a double gin and tonic as the buzzer sounds and I begin my first of 10 five-minute dates in an hour.I talk to a Fed Ex manager with a sister who’s a country singer in Nashville, and a schmoozy finance guy whose wildest moment was having sex in a Gap change room.“In fact, with meeting a new person, a more realistic expectation is that it very well may not work out.” I go for a stroll in a buzzy neighbourhood, where I smile and say hello to slick yuppies exiting fancy restaurants and bearded locals walking their dogs. Two skateboarders and I chat about our favourite places to hang out in Toronto.